What am I doing with my life? | Word Vomit

I've lately been wondering what it is that I'm doing with my life. Some rather negative thoughts have been creeping in every so often; I don't have a good enough job, I don't look like what I'd like to, I'm a failure to name a few but if I look at my life properly, it's a different story. I have a job. Sure it's not the best paid but I'm earning enough money to live (on a budget mind you) and the best thing, I absolutely fucking wholeheartedly love my job. I mean I look after dogs for a living, how could I not enjoy that?

I'm not happy with my body. That old cliche. It infuriates me though as I will champion body positivity whenever I can. Is it possible to preach body positivity yet not accept your own? Furthermore, is it possible to preach body positivity while actively trying to change yours? For me, it has to be or I'll never stop having negative thoughts about my body. If I don't make some changes to my body in a bid to accept it a bit more, I'll be forever plagued with a negative view of myself. Nobody wants that.

The failure thoughts, well I'm sure they come to everybody at some point in their lives about the widest variety of things. Sure I have failed at a few (or many) things in my life but I've also achieved amazing things throughout my past to be proud of. Over the past year or so I've accepted that I'm quite an angry person and I think it's because I've spent so much time dwelling on these failures. This has caused me to see myself in such a negative light. Self deprecation is an art and I've mastered it unfortunately. From now on though no more past dwelling! I'm going to put all my energies into the present and the future. I'm not going to suddenly forger about everything that's happened to me ever but I want to use more of my time on bettering things to make myself happy rather than pour over how things could have gone. 

So what am I doing with my life? 
I'm choosing to be happy.

2 comments

  1. It's absolutely normal to champion body positivity in others while being unhappy with your own (although I wish it wasn't the case). It's been my whole adult life, idealising other women and projecting my own insecurities. I think this year in particular has seen a lot of "what the fuck am I doing?" and self doubt but it sounds like you're bowing out of it with the right attitude.

    Which you should, because you're awesome.

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  2. I could have written this post. Except for the bit about the dogs.

    2017, I'm coming for ya with a headful of plans and a heart full of self-belief for the first time since 2006.

    Lis / last year's girl x

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